I feel like I’m being attacked by the press, being asked where I was, why the sudden silence and why my blog has come to a complete standstill? Let me silence the crowds once and for all lol, I am perfectly fine and programming should resume next week…
The funny thing is, I went through a patch of rough. Maybe you can identify with my feelings or maybe you have a good piece of advice to share or keep to yourself…just saying.
The truth is, I was down and out with the flu followed by an unscheduled and unplanned trip to the hospital which just added to the snowball that had started taking shape early last week.
Before I knew it my productive days had turned into days which produced frustratingly no results at all and involved me primarily getting in and out of bed. I couldn’t sit and write, I couldn’t work, it was awful.
I am yet to find the solution to dealing with setbacks especially for someone like me that has to put in so much more effort to get the same results as the average person. See it like riding a bike. For most getting on the bike is no problem at all and riding it is also fairly easy. Staying on the bike and stopping might be a little bit tough but should you fall you just get back up on that saddle and pedal on. Easy, right?
The image for someone suffering from depression and bipolar disorder looks very different.
For me getting on the bike in the first place takes effort and lots of it, the reason for doing so should be clear and I sometimes drive myself crazy just thinking whether it is worth getting on the bike in the first place. When I do finally get on the bike and start to get the hang of it I begin to develop this thing where I tell myself that I cant stop or fall because falling means failure and failure means I have to start over and the mental energy and positivity required for that is just not there at times. Often I will pedal myself into exhaustion, not realizing that I need to find the balance between enough and too much, and not just keep going into infinity.
As long as I can see where the bike is headed and I can control it, then it’s fine, but bumps and hills unplanned like for example getting sick and going to the hospital just sends me crashing down the hill leaving me looking for the energy and motivation to start again.
Balance is important and I realise it is something I do not practice well. I know the battle, others don’t see it and they could care less because what does not affect you is not your problem. To them, they believe and see what they want which is everyone’s right. I know the struggle inside myself, the battles I fight to sometimes enjoy the now and stop worrying about tomorrow or how perfect this and that needs to be. Sometimes I don’t stop and smell the flowers because I’m already planting flowers for next year.
It is hard to find that moment in between, I am forever hard on myself and my mistakes, and even mistakes I do not own, even that blame often lands on me by choice.
So yes go ahead and think it, quit your whining, your nonsense or tell yourself how hard can this be? It’s as easy as riding a bike right?
To me, it’s a learning curve and sometimes the taste of knowledge leaves something bitter behind but I know I will find my balance somewhere.
If you out there going through the same just know,
You got a friend in me…
Time to spin,